Enjoying the Rain

When it rains it pours.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Grow through what you go through.

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Everything happens for a reason. 

I've heard them all. In fact, they've become my daily mantra. When my mind is racing and it feels like I've been holding my breath for days, I cycle through any number of inspirational quotes that I have seemingly plucked from Pinterest and stashed in my brain for such moments.

The last few months have been a bit surreal. So much has happened and yet, looking back, it's as though nothing has happened at all. At least, not as much as my mind and body believe has happened.

For example, I have been reading lots of self-help books and researching hormone health and making lots of wellness plans for myself but I haven't actually committed to any appointments. So even though my brain has been working over-time, I haven't actually done much of the work.

This is no one's fault but my own. I've chosen easy over difficult and later over now. I don't blame myself for this—it was what I needed. I wanted to enjoy the summer and take my wellness journey at my own pace. I didn't want to continue going to therapists and doctors and never following through on the advice they gave me because I wasn't in a place to. It seemed like a waste of money, time and good advice.

So now, as summer comes to a close and the air has taken on a brisker quality than the steam of August, I am taking stock of the non-fruits of my non-labors.

Let me say that even though I don't have much to show for it, at least externally, I have really enjoyed doing the learning. I have enjoyed reading the books and researching the topics and listening to the podcasts. I have grown, it's just not at the pace I expected of myself.

But isn't that the point? To let your intuition lead you? See, making a choice to not dig into my own mental health and physical wellness this summer was still a choice. I still thought about what I needed. And I just so happened to decide that my focus was better spent reading books I enjoyed, enjoying my time with friends and family, watching new shows and eating good food. And all the while my life still felt like chaos, I just chose to ignore it. At least for a little while. Because it felt like the right thing to do.

The problem with ignoring your problems is that they don't go away. They don't change. My way of thinking about them has changed slightly since I've had time to think about them in bits and pieces, but the problems themselves are still the same. I haven't worked on them. They haven't improved.

But perhaps that is the best place to start. To focus on something else instead. To focus on the things you enjoy that make you, you. Not the difficulties that make you, you. To take time away from a problem and to come back and look at it as a person you recognize.

Things have slowly been unraveling in my personal life, as well as my emotional and physical health. My horse is not well. I feel fearful of the future. I haven't touched a pen or a yoga mat in months. And all of these droplets are accumulating to steady rain, seeping through my outermost layers and into my heart.

But I've never been afraid of a little rain. In fact, I quite enjoy it. So as I feel myself being pulled under the rising waters of my life, I remind myself how lucky, how grateful, I am that everything I love, including myself, knows how to swim.