Wellness: what it is + what it isn't...to me

I've been trying to stay off of Instagram a lot lately.

Not just because of the typical things we experience when we start scrolling - like the comparison and the anxiety and the FOMO. Those things definitely happen but it's actually the self-love posts I've been dreading.

I am a proud feminist. And I have been waiting to see this kind of change happen for my entire life...literally. The kind of change that allows women, and people in general, to share their lives - their real lives - full of challenges, growth, emotion, failures, and successes. When I first started to see this happening, I was so filled with pride because fuck yes we should be talking about these things. Things like self-love and mental health and everything else that comes from people fighting back against unrealistic standards imposed on our bodies and our minds.

And don't get me wrong - I still feel this way. I still feel a deep appreciation for all those who use their online presence to show their bad days as well as their good. People who show what real life looks like, in between their photoshoots.

But, right now, for me, there are too many messages for me to consume. I love seeing companies like Knixwear and Aerie supporting women celebrating their identities. Got it? I love it. But it's not helping me heal.

I have found that you can celebrate your favourite Instagrammer's transformation into self-love, and still not feel it for yourself.

I have found that I still feel that anxiety and that comparison when I look at people celebrating themselves, just like I do when I look at someone's perfect house and seemingly perfect relationships.

It doesn't have anything to do with them, but everything to do with me. 

Which is why I'm being mindful about it. I don't get sucked into social media as I did before. I have been careful with which messages I allow to shape my thinking and which practices I incorporate into my life.

I am not here to be an influencer. I am done with that kind of content. With that kind of thinking. With that kind of being. Instead, I am searching for what wellness means to me, without judgment for myself or for others. I still want to celebrate the successes and the individualism of each person's journey, without diminishing mine.

And without trying, that has kind of turned into me living my life offline. It has turned into my going out (or staying in) with my phone nowhere in sight. It has allowed me to read more and write more and think more and be more.

So right now, wellness doesn't look like some beautiful self-love story to me. It doesn't even look like a face mask and bubble bath (at least, not today). It's not wine or fitness or books or yoga or meditation or supplements or nature. Instead,  it is finally admitting that my life is plenty, even when friends ask "What have you been up to?" and my answer is "Nothing".

So here's to more nothing that means more than anything in the long run.